Death is natural. I know that. But it’s still weird to deal with it. An old friend of mine died this week. He was only 24. We’ve pretty much lost contact in the last years and therefore we weren’t that close anymore, but why should that means, that I shouldn’t be sad about his death?
I am sad about it. He was simply a really good guy, a good person. So how can I not be sad about the world losing one good person? I know that a lot of people die everyday, a lot of children, under suffering etc. But as selfish as it sounds, if you really get upset about every death in the world you’ll have to kill yourself in a little while, there’s just too much to take. You only percept these facts about people dieing as sad statics or numbers. That’s sad. That’s what makes me want to change the world, that’s what makes it clear to me, that something is wrong with us. And I really think that that’s the only useful consequence of all the bad and sad things in the world. We should try to make it better, try to prevent and reduce the suffering.
But when a person you know die, you’re not thinking about the world, but about yourself. Or at least I’m thinking about myself. I kind of feel guilty because it may sound selfish or feel selfish, but actually it’s not that bad I think.
At first I get to think how I didn’t show the person enough how much he means to me and what a great person I think he is. So that makes me want to show the people I care about more that I care about them – that’s not that bad, is it?
After that it makes me review my life, my decisions, my plans. Rethink all about it, is it really my best? Is it really what I want, what would make me happy? What would leads me to my “contribution to the world”? It’s just the simple question, if you die tomorrow, what would you regret? There should be no regrets. If there are some, you should really do your best in clearing them up.
There was an old Bulgarian fairytale about one man, who was always doing a lot of things and never get to finishing them all. He did always wanted to build a beautiful fountain for his children. He started building it, but he got distracted with other things and the fountain remained unfinished. One day, as he was already pretty old, he was really sick and was in his deathbed for a long time. Something was keeping him on the earth, he wasn’t able to find his peace. And yes, what are you thinking? It was that fountain, he did finished everything but that. So he ordered the fountain to be build and the day it was finished, he died in peace. (I’m not sure at all if that’s the right telling that that “fairytale”, but the moral should be somehow included. It’s much more beautiful when my grandmother is telling it…)
So my point is, that I don’t think that it would be right to have your life so, that you can say that you’ve accomplished everything you want to. But you should always be on your way to it. You should always keep moving, keep walking, keep improving etc. Until your time comes…
In the middle of all these thing I find myself always thinking about how can I express my grief. Thank God there’s the Internet these days. It’s creepy, but his ICQ is still just sitting in my contacts, as if nothing had happen. So I can “tell him” all the things I wanted, but didn’t had the chance. I can also blog about my problems or thoughts about dealing with grief. Somehow I feel better now, I’ve said what was sitting in my chest “to him” and to my self in that post. So is the Internet the new way to communicate with the dead?
The most useful thing I can tell you about grief is that you should try to express is, to deal with it for real. As my grandmother died back then I didn’t know at all how to deal with it, so I didn’t. I was just acting cool and tough, I’m pretty though usually, a strong person as some are used to say, it wasn’t that hard. But it remains unsolved, it comes up from time to time and I hope that I’ll be able to really deal with it someday, even if so much times is passed since.
Rest in Peace!