Archive for October, 2010

Does your Fear grow with you?

October 31, 2010

The tittle says it all actually. I have the feeling, that the older I get, the more anxious I get. When I was like 16 or something I was “fearless” – an accident, a killer on the next corner, an apocalypse, I didn’t care. I didn’t bother thinking about it. I felt strong, lucky, kind of prepared and sure in my survival. Kind of “So what if there is a killer on the next corner, I know that I’ll find a way to escape and/or kick his/her ass, to survive”.  Not that I was really stronger or anything, this was just my state of mind and it was helpful in many situations.

Today it’s not really so. I just have the feeling, that even if I survive it like before, it’ll have more dramatic consequences. I have the feeling that certain survival tactics, while survivable for the rough loner-me, are not survivable  for the good, humanistic, loved, loving and future-orientated me.

I don’t know if that makes any sense to you, but I can put it in a simple question: Are you more anxious now as when you were younger and why?

Why am I naive* and proud of it…

October 28, 2010

“Ow, you’re so naive”

“Come on, there’s no way that you really are so naive”

“It’s so sweet that you still think so, but let’s talk again when you grow up.”

I’m hearing stuff like that all the time and I’m getting sick of it. But I’m not getting sick of explaining why I am like that, because I see it as an advantage and the better choice for me. Surprisingly for me some people also call me romantic, while I don’t consider myself so. I guess being romantic is as childish as being naive and some people consider them the same or at least belonging together.

I get the impression that what most people mean with “grown up” is a person, who has “won” a certain level of cynicism through his life experience. That should mean that while going through life, you definitely get so disappointed with people and humanity, that you lose faith in them and your default setting becomes “this person is bad and I have to be careful and mistrusting”.

What does being naive mean to me? Although I’ve experienced a lot of disappointments and was hurt in many ways, I refuse to change my default settings to the “grown up”-settings and I still believe in the good in people -> I’m apparently naive.

Why am I naive? I think that it’s stupid not to be. Being cynical and mistrusting per default simply produce more cynicism and untrustworthy acts. A cynical world is not my dream world. If it is your dream world, then go wild and be cynical. But if you don’t approve the development of society, the only way to fight it in my opinion is to give people some credit.

If it’s expected of me to be hurtful, selfish, dishonest etc. and people behave like I am like that till proven otherwise, it’s simply the easier choice to meet their expectations. It’s easier to be “bad”, selfish, cynical etc., if that’s what “you’re supposed to become when you grow up”, what’s the more reasonable choice.

Today you have to prove yourself “good” and trustworthy, nobody expects you to be so, nobody will be happy about it per se, first they’ll doubt your motives etc. You have to put a lot of effort in prove yourself good, be acknowledged and accepted as such.

( Naive has a touch of innocence. If you manage to keep your innocence you’re really lucky. Everyone wants to take it, most bad things that can happen to you have exactly this consequence – they steal your innocence. Innocence has such a drawing power exactly because most people consider it lost and you want what you don’t have even more. So after something bad has happened to you, giving up your naivety and innocence means losing the last battle, declaring yourself defeated etc. Survive the bad things and keep your innocence – you’re the winner! )

Most people will always choose the easiest way. By being “naive” and giving some credit to people per default, I make “being good” the easier choice for them. And most people make this easier choice and are “good in return“.

You have the choice – you can make the first step or wait for the other person to make it and justify it … Or what do you think?

*I get called naive and consider myself so, because I believe that people are good in nature etc., not because I’ll get in the car of a stranger, if he says, that he has candy…

The Gift of Time :)

October 26, 2010

Wink, wink to all super fans of FRIENDS: “I’ve been given the gift of time” 😉

So seriously, I’m amazed how much you can read on the ferry/bus/train, when you have to travel long enough. The commute can be really useful and educating. In a week I’ve read what I usually read in a month. If you want to read more, here are two super efficient tips:

1. Have a 1-hour commute with convenient seats.

2. Do NOT have internet at home.

Use with caution! 😉

Little Koala in the Big City!

October 17, 2010

Yeah, your little koala has arrived in her new home. Home? Really? Well no, not yet… we’ll see.

Leaving wasn’t hard, it seems like it never is, it wasn’t hard to leave Bulgaria either. I didn’t have the feeling that I’m leaving something, but simply that I’m moving forward. Nowadays I really don’t think that your relationship with someone is over if you’re not living in the same town, even with people you’re not that close I think that it’s really likely that your ways cross again, you never know. Sadly on the pretty card in the white envelope behind the rose it says otherwise, but I’ll be glad to prove it wrong…

The fact that leaving wasn’t hard doesn’t mean that I’ll not miss anyone. I’ll miss a lot (or more like several) people, but as said – I’m sure that we’ll still see each other. I’ll make sure that we will 😉


Image of the mood :)

October 10, 2010

via my first very own camera 😉

It’s simply amazing how many things got broken the last few weeks, I’ll take that as a good sign 🙂

I don’t feel like blogging…

October 8, 2010

…so I don’t blog (um… except for now?). That’s for the very few people who may be wondering why there were so few posts lately. I’m not apologizing or something, I’m not sorry, I’m just explaining myself probably to just myself, as always, because I feel like it 🙂

I feel like buying a lots of chips, meat (maybe it’s time for another vegan period?) and sweets from the new shop right next to my block. I feel like reading job offers and instead of sending resumes thinking with hours about which picture I should use. I feel like not calling all the people, who remembered that I was here after they found out that I’m leaving. I feel like not packing my stuff. I feel like throwing everything in the trashcan until my stuff doesn’t take more than two bags. I feel like going somewhere else. I feel like not going to a party. I feel like talking to someone new. I feel like cleaning up my friends-list.  I feel like making (mental)drafts.

I feel – so everything’s good 🙂

Random Impressions

October 2, 2010

Lately I wanted to write so many posts but I never come to doing it, so here I’ll trow some random impressions from the trips lately (Bulgaria 2010, Bremen, the Congress):

Bulgaria 2010:

This year for the first time I wasn’t saying to myself “vacation in Bulgaria – never again!” It was really nice, I don’t know why I wasn’t bothered by the things that do usually bother me in Bulgaria, they were still there, just didn’t bother me, it was very nice 🙂

Something that left a really good impression in me was, that I didn’t see a single beggar, it was full with street-musicians or street-artist, but no people, who simply ask for money, this was simply amazing (maybe I was just somehow extremely lucky).