5 years abroad – so how far away is home now?


I’ve been living in Germany for 5 years now. Wow, that’s a lot, or at least for me. So what happened in these 5 years?

Really not much. It’s like these 5 years just went by in a flash… Overall life was pretty kind to me – I have a sweet boyfriend, a bachelor degree, I’m doing my master now, I have enough money to pay my rent and I don’t have debts. I’m happy with it, keep it going, life, you rock ­čÖé

But after 5 years in a foreign country you start to ask yourself some questions and at least I’m getting a bit of confused with myself.

First of all – this foreign country is not so foreign at all anymore. I pay rent here, my health and social insurance is here, my stuff is here, I live here, my computer is here… My home is here. And still, when people ask me where I am from – well, it’s not from here. And when I’m going to Bulgaria I’m not going to a vacation, but home. ┬á

I know more about the laws of this country than my home country, I’m more comfortable with how things get done here than in my home country, I need more time to adjust to Bulgaria than to Germany, after being in Bulgaria for the summer.

Still, I communicate easier with Bulgarians, especially with Bulgarians, who are living in Germany. My boyfriend is a Bulgarian. I haven’t even managed to make real German friends in these 5 years, if there are some friends around here, than they have some foreign roots or at least they are from the “east side”… If they are real Germans, there are always some awkward moments and I’m never really sure, if we are friends or not… It’s like “yep, you’re pretty cool and I like you, but you’re only my foreign friend and you’re not really welcome to some parts of my life.” Dear German friends, please correct me if that’s just some kind of biased perception of mine, I’ll be glad to discuss all of my “weird-moments” of our friendship and understand them and most of all – understand YOU.┬á

For 5 years I’ve picked up a lot of stuff, that’s typical for Germans and in many situation I feel like a foreigner in Bulgaria, my home country. Still, as I always say without any hesitation – if you offer me a job with the same pay as here in Bulgaria – I’m gone. In a minute. Only for one reason – to have the feeling of belonging somewhere.

I was never in a certain circle of people or something, I’ve never belonged somewhere socially. It’s just not me, I want to have my distance, my freedom and more or less I’m kind of the “weird bird” of every company. But not belonging in the country, where I live in, has made me miserable in the past more often than I like.

On the other hand, the problem may be a lot more simple┬áthan all that above. These year I still haven’t been to Bulgaria, may be I just miss it. The air, the water, the people, the nature, the smell, the sound …

Conclusion:

5 years check: I still can’t┬áfigure┬áout how to go back and live┬áhappily┬áin Bulgaria, I also still can’t really figure out how to stay here and live┬áhappily┬áhere, I kind of want to figure out how to go somewhere else and live there for a while, but on the other hand it seems like too much trouble. So? So we’ll just have to wait and see what year 6 has to offer ­čÖé

PS. This post is not┬ácompletely┬árandom. Lately I’m catching myself listening to German Music really often, yesterday it turned out that I’m more familiar with some German (party)traditions than some Germans, this year I haven’t heard any new Bulgarian music (because I haven’t been there for the summer…), really often I don’t know the right word in Bulgarian for something etc. All these makes me wonder if I’m┬áslowly┬álosing my roots…

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4 Responses to “5 years abroad – so how far away is home now?”

  1. The Lazy Photographer Says:

    Best wishes, Teo. I know it can be tough but you seem like a very sensible and realistic person who can find ways to fit in yet still hold on to your roots in Bulgaria. I’ve never been to either country but one day I might make it overseas — you never know. Anyway, hang in there. You’re future is bright.

    • teo Says:

      Thank you, Dave ­čÖé It’s always nice to hear from you.

      I could make it overseas too – as you’ve said, you never know ­čśë

  2. Bain Says:

    Home is where the heart is. Money isn’t everything. You could have gone back to Bulgaria in any time, if you really wanted to. Maybe Germany is where you are supposed to be, think about that? If you were meant to go to Bulgaria, you’d have known it inside. Si, si, certo che si, as your southern neighbours say.

    • teo Says:

      That’s what I do know – thinking about it. So I’m still not decided, neither is my heart. If it has made a decision already, I wouldn’t be have these thoughts…

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