Sold out or “O yeah, I have a scholarship” ?!?

I’ll receive a scholarship for my master-thesis. Even though I still can’T really believe it.  It may not sound like a big deal to most of you, but in Germany it kind of is – only 1% of the German students have scholarships during their study.  So I should be proud and happy.

But I’m not only happy, I’m also crushed. Like really broken. Beaten. Not because I’ll receive the scholarship, but because I had to ask 4 people to give me recommendations for it. And not really because I had to, I knew this of course, but because I did it. It was like “keep it all together and go through with it”. I’ve cried after each of these conversations when I was finally alone and  I’ve been feeling down ever since.. Not caring, not giving a s…tuff ;), well – grown up.

I’ve been working in research since 2 years now. All this time I was appalled and angry at the way things work at the universities, in research and actually everywhere. What do I mean? I mean the fact, that you simply need good connections. For anything. For scholarships too of course, since you need 3 recommendation to apply to any. Since always I’ve been angry at the system, I’ve been trying to fight it, to avoid it or to flee from it. And now I’m playing along. And as if that’s not enough, I’ve been rewarded for it…

There’s no reason why my consciousness shouldn’t be clean. Each one of the people I’ve asked for an recommendation had a good reason to give me one. To my surprise everyone was even pretty happy to help me and gave me the recommendations pretty quickly, didn’t want anything in exchange and was totally convinced, that I deserve advancement. One of them offered to give me a recommendation a year ago, just in case I need it, because he was so happy with my work. I refused back then. I didn’t want to get involved in this system and to get “dirty” in my mind. Now I am…

Maybe you think that this is stupid like hell. If someone wants to help me, why shouldn’t I take advantage? The answer is in the question itself. Advantage. You take advantage, you have advantage… so someone else has a disadvantage or has to take his disadvantages…

So why did I do it then? Because I’m growing up, I’m seeing and accepting the advantages (yeah, advantages) of a healthy egoism. Mostly because I know, that if I want to be able to help people in the future, I first have to help myself. I can help only if I have enough resources. And to achieve this completely on my own is very, very hard in this system.

A study revealed, that one of the biggest obstacles for women to get to the top is their wish to make it on their own. I don’t want to be my own pulling-downer. Still I don’t want to forget these feelings, that’s the purpose of that post. Thank you for reading.

Do you have some relevant experience? Simply share bellow:


11 Responses to “Sold out or “O yeah, I have a scholarship” ?!?”

  1. helen Says:

    congratulations 🙂
    you may not see it like this but you get rewarded because you are smart and you do a good job (not because you succumb to the system). people are happy to give you recommendations so you should take them. otherwise you’re creating unnecessary disadvantages to yourself (you know just to make your life a little bit harder to show everybody what you’re capable of).
    but I understand you very well. I have had similar problems and personal blocks even though not for the same reasons.
    congratulations once again! that’s great news 🙂

    • teo Says:

      Thanks 🙂

      “otherwise you’re creating unnecessary disadvantages to yourself (you know just to make your life a little bit harder to show everybody what you’re capable of)” exactly my point 🙂

      I’m glad that you understand me and have had similar problems, that should mean that I’m not really crazy…

      Thanks again, always glad to see you here, hope you’re well and that you’re not creating any extra difficulties for yourself too 🙂

  2. Bain Says:

    The right thing, you have done. Angry at yourself, you should be as well. Angry at the system, as well. It shows wisdom; sometimes one must do things he doesn’t like, and take advantage. Smart it is, to fight yourself enough to do something that goes against your pride and principles. Wise it is, to be sorry after.

    Young padawan, you did the best thing possible. You did the right thing, without killing your own conscience. You basically fulfilled the task, and kept yourself a good human being, by feeling regret for forgetting your own principles. That is what a true jedi does – for the greater good, he ignores his principles, but does show remorse of the process and isn’t proud of himself after that, and adopts them back again to keep the Light in his heart.

    You are doing fine. Work on your lightsaber techniques, you should. As good as me some day, you may become.

    • teo Says:

      😀 I so missed your comments… Seriously, I agree with you, master 🙂

      Thanks, I’ll try to keep it up with my lightsaber techniques 😉

  3. Eneya Says:

    Oh, honey, I am so sorry to hear that.
    I mean… I am glad that you have received a scholarship (which you have obviously deserved) but I am so sorry to hear the pain that the context of how scholarships work are causing you.

    I think what is the issue here is not “growing up” per se but “doing as told and doing as the system you hate and you know is broken, corrupt and unjust”.

    I don’t see any pride here… only the fact that one loses her believes, for things she doesn’t think they should be lost over.
    I had a high opinion of the higher education as the stuff which is all about being smart, driven and believing in education and not about connections quid for quo and unwritten rules. Alas…

    I hear you.
    However… you did well.

    • Bain Says:

      Not as helpful as my reply. Go to Dagobah, you should. Find wisdom there, maybe you will.


      • teo Says:

        Well of course not, she still has to work on her lightsaber techniques, she’s just a student of your wisdom, like me 😉

    • teo Says:

      “I had a high opinion of the higher education” – yep yep, I did too, after two years working in an university I’m not really anymore… Thanks for the support 🙂

  4. oziris1 Says:

    “Mostly because I know, that if I want to be able to help people in the future, I first have to help myself.”

    clap clap clap

    (that was applause, in case you didn’t get it 😉 )

    Very egoistic thought, isn’t it? Sounds a bit like an excuse… but whether it is an excuse, depends entirely on you. I have had that though years ago, and every now and then, I got back to it to check whether I follow it. And now, I’m glad to say, I’m doing the best possible thing – I help others BY helping myself. I’m not gonna tell you what I’m doing (probably in skype I will, if you ask me), but I sincerely wish you to find the same thing for you and when you do – stick to it.

  5. bpdisme Says:

    Congrats on the scholarship! 🙂 *hugs*

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